I hadn’t planned on blogging again today, but something just passed through my facebook timeline that blew me away, and I wanted to share, because I think it’s so important that people understand this… This is what it means to be an adult, AND a parent.
A Brave Woman Wrote This Epic Letter To Her Ex-Husband’s New Girlfriend;
This is one of the most amazing things I think I have ever read. If more couples, actually Ex-couples could approach each other, and the “new” people in each other’s lives with the grace, dignity and dare I say the “love” that this woman does there would be a lot less bullshit in this world, a lot less baggage out there, and a lot less damaged kids, not learning how to love, and be loved.
Our relationships with others, especially those with children around us is like dropping a pebble into a pool, it ripples outwards and affects and shapes everything that comes in contact with the ripple. How healthily we love is directly related to how we observed our elders loving… or how we consciously made an effort NOT to make the same mistakes they did.
So how we both love and hate around children, ours and those who observe will have a huge impact on how they will love in the future. So it’s very, very important to be consciously aware of how couples connected by children treat each over.
It’s inevitable, in divorce, and breakups people are going to move on. Were meant to be pair bonded, we’re not meant to be alone. So couples need to LOVINGLY release each other cleanly, and move on, and bless the other person’s journey and hope that they find the happiness that we all deserve.
I’ve recommended for years an amazing book that really helped me see in a new way my relationships and my break ups with people… Not as tragedies but as successes on a deeper level.
I don’t recommend books unless they helped me, but this book I share wholeheartedly to people in relationship difficulties, people who are contemplating a breakup, and people who are trying to decide whether to stay or go. I actually wish it had a different title, because regardless of our relationship status, I believe it truly explains why we get into relationships to begin with… And why some end.
Her premise is that when two people come together their souls have made an unconscious agreement to do something (it could be to raise a child…or heal a wound, or take someone to the next level of growth). And when this “Task” is accomplished (whether it’s 1 year or 20 years) the relationship is done…It really is that simple.
It’s the idea from the internet meme you might have all seen;
But in the case of “reasons” or “seasons” we usually don’t know why until long after. And that’s only if we’re “awake” enough to look.
Back in the old days when we got eaten by bears at age 21 this wasn’t a problem, we died still married, but now that we live a long long time and we have this romantic notion that we’re supposed to be together forever, we end up stuck in relationships that are without passion, or love, or where the two people have grown apart. We often break up and are bitter or resentful, you know this drill.
But her Idea is that ALL relationships happen for a reason, AND most of them end for a reason…Therefore all relationships are successes, even when they end. We’re not failures in the relationship, the job was done, and in some cases it’s simply time to move on to the next “assignment,” or experience or lesson.
So rather than hating, resenting, and blocking, the next person, we need to realize that some relationships have a natural course, a natural purpose, and in some they end.
And that in the ashes of one, new growth, new gifts can come for both people…And in that way they open each other up to finding love.
This is one of the reasons I’ve created a divorce ritual for conscious couples to do, either together or separately to help, release each other lovingly so they may move on.
I created it in seminary for a friend I met in town who asked for something to symbolically lovingly cut the ties to their ex. All the faculty heard about it and asked me for copies of it. I’ve only had a handful of people do it with me, and sadly no couples yet, but hopefully one day people will understand the importance of things like this on the generations that come.
I’ve done it in the presence of witnesses, and it was a moving and powerful experience, not just for the person doing it, but for all those on hand.
Those of you who are divorced and re dating, and your ex is dating again, for god sakes, understand that each of you anchored to each other whether you want to or not… especially if you have kids. It’s your choice whether that anchor steadily holds you in place, or drags you, and those around you down. The choice is yours.
And remember if you have kids, they and the generations to come will come to understand love, but what they see us do.
If you are interested in my Divorce/Release ritual please contact me using the form to the right of this blog.